got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
I love her so much that if I could have sex with her I wouldn't cuz my dick would feel out of place in such a perfect body/vagina
That drug basically just makes anything that's in your mouth awesome
He wore homemade jorts on our first date. I'm not sure if I should leave now or embrace the white trash lust and marry him
theres so much semen in my vacuum cleaner...
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
definitely not taking the whole return culture shock so well...drinking a 100 proof rootbeer vodka float out of a german beer mass
i turned my shower on this morning and passionfruit pulp came out. how did you even do that?
Is it bad that i wanna bang this girl ONLY because she looks like my cousin?
the guy sitting next to me at the bar has a patrick swayze tattoo hovering over a roast beef sandwich. 'merica.
Never thought going to McDonald's alone at 3 AM would end with a blowjob outside some random girl's apartment...
you made out with another girl for some wings
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
Call me Sherlock Holmes, bitch.
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