dude, that girl smelled worse than the great depression.
I take no responsibility of who alcohol hooks up with using my body!
raced the clock twice to day to see if i could get off before my computer died and before i left for my noon bar crawl... win, win
lets go back to having secrets in our friendship
I'm fighting fire with fire. When my parents interrogate me about what I was doing last night, I tell them the truth. Every disgusting, awkward detail. I'm 23 now and they need to get used to it.
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
should I tell them that both of them had sex with me last Saturday? it might be a relationship builder type of thing you know?
Witnessing a crazy lady on the bus screaming about how romney is one of the four horsemen of the apocalypse.
We peed together in a dark alley while holding hands. That is a bond that can never be broken.
EXCEPT MY COUSIN SAW MY SEX TAPE!
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
I’m doing some soul searching to figure out how much of a slut I’m going to be the rest of the summer.
It's like every time I'm baked I discover my fingers all over again.
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
Randomize
