Dogs love guiness but it fucks up their kidneys
I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
I think he's on the stoner protein diet. I just saw him, at 3 am, spreading mayo on a slice of deli ham and sprinkling salt on top.
We woke up, fucked twice, she drank 3 warm heinekins to cure her hangover and said "Im glad you're still hott when im sober"
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
Yeah like 200 white people came and they are playing that one Biggie Smalls song everyone knows.
Yeah you insisted everyone watch Space Jam at 2 in the morning then you cried the whole way through it. You were the very worst kind of drunk.
I love my life sometimes. I do miss being an adult, from time to time, but a little vodka always changes my mind.
Somehow she is more off limits now than when she was his girlfriend
It's seriously like a finger. But it's a cock. I don't know what to do. I feel like I fuck him to be polite.
The police report said i was screaming at someone that wasnt there, then the cops told me to call someone sober and i called mike to tell him "They are trying to arrest me for stealing information from the FBI" at that point they took me to jail.
I woke up with sticky red stuff all over my sheets, face, and chest. Apparently after I blacked out I thought eating ribs in bed was a good idea
He was so wasted he lit his sink on fire with shit he found in his room....it was smokeless. Chemistry majors drunk = the coolest shit ever.
You ate my ass why wouldn't I remember you
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
Randomize
