Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
Drinking with birthday clown in the backyard shed at a 5 year olds birthday party at 12 in the afternoon. My life doesn't need any adjustments
is it STILL halloween? when did this turn into a week long holiday
Did you write your name in the dust on our toilet tank?
Sudue. BIG CUP LOTS OF NOMNOMD TUOSPY
ok. can u leave the new roommate a list of instructions for me? like what i need to be fed and when i need to be exercised?
Corn dogs constantly. And all.the time
My Valentine's Day plans just drastically changed... My F buddy just ran into my gf...in my driveway.
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
Nothing like banging your nurse in the shower while staying in the hospital
"Accidentally" bump into him after class.
I'm gonna "accidentally" put his dick in my mouth.
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
I loaned him a tie and then had to tie it for him. I'm like his weird lesbian girlfriend.
i left you alone for two hours TWO HOURS & when i got back i had to rush you to the hospital because you were covered in Smooth Away pads & drinking the bong water..
...this is why fuck buddies should be only for grownups.
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
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