apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
I apparently spent $173 at the bar last night. The proof is in the vomit on my pillow and the receipt I tried to clean it up with.
Def walking back to my apt with a blender, an empty vodka bottle, and a half eAtn drumstick cone.
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
Every girl my sister has brought home from college I've had sex with, check and mate motherfucker
There was a pumpkin carving contest and we carved a very realistic dick about to penetrate a vagina. Our Christian Youth hosts were not happy.
The judge mental looks i am getting while looking at porn on my phone sitting in the urgent care waiting room is gonna get way worse when they find out im here to see if im pregnant
You walked up to me, grabbed my face and said "I just peed in the sink!"
Thanks for the bagel and the sex.
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
i puked in a jesus candle last night and then denied it... i'd say it was a pretty alright night
the only decorations on the Christmas tree were twinkle lights, condoms, and empty natty cans. I do love a classy holiday party
These guys are just fucking with my heart instead of fucking me. They're fucking up.
If you shit your pants and not say anything about it right before we have sex one more time I'm dumping you.
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