I have a walk of shame I should be getting to. "Hey, by the way, what is your name?" is not a conversation I want to have today
I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
no ping pong balls so we're playing beer pong with an ornament. you can't tell me that's not festive.
I need Christmas break to be over. I'm tired of fucking my old High School girlfriends
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
The dentist just giggled when he accidentally shot water across my face, I can sense how he treats women.
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
I know she was blacked out, but she looked directly at the toilet and said "we meet again"
im not 100% but im pretty sure at some point i was rubbing ur bf's beard telling him how magnificient i thought it was
I have blocked the memory from my mind. He is just a fuzzy cloud floating with my other bad decisions..
The president of the frat said he was honored to award me "Best Overall Blow Jobs", free admission to all their future parties, and a $20 gift certificate to Denny's. I'm not sure if I feel proud or if that's just the burrito coming back up...
Also, what are the symptoms of syphilis?
Why did the sexual harassment class show a clip from frozen?
I have finally found someone I enjoy for reasons that do not necessarily include his dick
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
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