dude, im still at the bar with two chics... one has a moustache ill save that one for you... be home in 20min..
my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on
i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
I'm sitting on the patient chair, waiting for my vagina to be violated & "i don't want to miss a thing" has been playing on repeat. WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME.
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
I can trace it back to that drunken night where we peed on each other in the shower.
And I'm ok with his balls touching my ass
How is it I was the last to know everyone calls me tig ole bitties? Did y'all have a meeting about this that I wasn't invited to?
I'm not upset because i like you. I'm upset because I can't use you for the sex anymore.
This has been the biggest binge-drinking season of the decade.
Then he claimed me as his prize for 3rd place in a wing eating contest. Too romantic.
I found my weird threshold when Truth or Dare became everyone get naked and snort Adderall off the kitchen counter.
All I did was call him a fucker when he took my pot. He didn't have to arrest me.
I heard a crunch while giving him head. I looked up and he was eating Cheese Itz. So we made a deal that he'd take a hand job so I could eat them too.
Do not confuse my plans for being an adult though. I will ABSOLUTELY be practicing suturing, on my porch, while getting stoned.
Randomize
