it's too hot outside to masturbate.
he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.
Walking back from greek row alone at 3:30am in a child's kangaroo suit...not my proudest moment
I remember key bumps, porn and a mom in my bed. Sums up my day.
that is an amazing summary hahaha
Mother fucker, I knew it was bad when you tried making out with my car window
Haha he's lucky I don't kick him back into the land of the majestic handjobs
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
About to throw up, bathroom line up, Bro sees me. Yells, 'PUKER GET OUT OF WAY' THEY ALL PARTED WAY THREW ME INTO A STALL AND CHEERED AS I THREW UP INTO THE TOILET. we are going back
he went to the bathroom at 5am only to come back and squeeze my boob before going back to sleep
How about this: I support you through your miserable marriage, and you support me through all my anonymous sex?
I'm sad about how hungover I'm gonna feel tomorrow.
Sorry this is the worst night of your life and that you're being a baby about it.
Ya know. I was thinking of my slutty moments the other day and finally know which one makes the number 1 spot.
Well the grass always *looks* greener on the other side but sometimes that’s bc there’s a sewage runoff...
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