there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
i threw up in a box in my own lap driving today.
I just found a plastic cup with panties inside of it. Let's play CSI.
Liver, I have supported you for 18 fucking years. Pull your weight for ONE NIGHT and detoxify this alcohol.
Ummm Im the uneducated alcoholic of the group... if I say its a bad idea, its probably a bad idea.
Just found weed in an empty handle. Who knew Capitan Morgan was also a gardener?
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
Oh yes there is. Now I'm the sad one. Please organize my life. And I will demoralize yours.
My mom just covered me while I peed in the street. I love her. i also love parents weekend.
You should have heard my farts after he left. I swear one of them was a demonic voice saying, "It's coming for you, Nicole. It's coming,".
Should I get the rainbow boxer breifs???
As your boyfriend, this is a level of gay that even I can't handle.
He sent me a picture of his dick as a snake, I'd say things are going great.
I literally wonder, frequently, "Will anyone ever fuck me until i go cross eyed for 2 hours again?''
I'm just the girl with the breathalyzer keychain, and I embrace that.
We poured all the Fireball on the Slip and Slide and long story short I have two black eyes.
Randomize
