There are 3 speedbumps now up. Think you can manage the urge to piss on them?
Aw shit! That's like putting me a in a room full of Captiain Crunch Donuts and Jasper Hale and not letting me put my mouth on either.
Just soaked up some whiskey with a paper towel and then squeezed it into a cup for consumption. New low.
Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
I wish that guy wasn't missing teeth
I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
she sucked my dick to get the taste of the last guy's out. I need to find a new friend with benefits.
At this point, I really just need a sign in sheet for my vagina.
Doing lines and watching a show on hot dogs around the world ... Why do I do this to myself
do you remember yelling at the waitress that you were a power bottom?
This is probably the only time in my life I'm going to be able to say I'm going to the hospital too smoke weed and play Mario kart.
Just did an upsidedown spineboard shot. Gotta love lifeguard parties.
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
Married dude I had an affair with 10yrs ago was at table next to us at dinner last nite. My mom asked him to take a pic of us & then commented how cute he was as they left. Do I tell her he’s got a huge D too?
I think my life is a one-way ticket to blackout city.
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