apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
one should ask oneself what kind of lifestyle one is leading when one finds a handprint of semen on their pillow the next day.
She made a guy cry in the bar. I will have her, oh yes, I will have her..
im keeping my plan b box as a souvenir of my first halloween weekend in college
fuck. I just remembered I agreed to let you finger me last night for solely for "scientific purposes"
I am watching the CFL at a Hooters in Texarakana. I made a poor life choice at some point that led me here.
I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
Speaking of fellatio on fictional characters, the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man would be a delicious blowjob.
Hot dogs and hydrocodine is NOT the combo of champions
All I know is that at 4 am I was walking down the street in my bra and his shorts and Im pretty sure I passed my grandma on her morning walk.
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
Worst way to find out I have a half sister
I left at 4:30 in the morning and I told him it was because I had to take my contacts out
My liver can't handle being unemployed!
Randomize
