Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
My vagina would be awesome. I would be the most popular girl in the village.
We're about to go to a party titled 'Night of 1000 Jello Shots".
No but the chipped one is crooked now. Clearly I didn't use my hands to break my fall. I used my face
We smoked speed and opium for the first time. ended up harvesting cucumbers with locals at 9am in a farmers field. Laos is fuckin crazy.
These pissing matches have to stop. They led to last night's scotch through the nose shots. I'll never smell again.
Please assure him that the flying penis statue is for display purposes only.
Did I really drink that whole bottle of Jack Daniels last night?
Heroically.
I can get there in 20, one question, Drress Code? Stripper Lite (make up may require an additional 5-10 minutes), Suggestive Professor (professor Kamil's cleavage ain't got nothing on me), Daywear, Dyke (and trust me you ain't seen dyke), or Exactly What I'm Wearing Right Now. (all of the above may arrive under a coat and are subject to my level of sobriety. Which is currently like nonexistent).--xoxo you know you love me, Gossip Girl.
Well, he asked what my sign was, then proceeded to critique me on my beer pong stance... I really need to raise my standards.
Apparently I blamed my BAC on the Saint Louis Cardinals...how is that not a valid excuse?!
Do you wanna fuck while my apple pie is in the oven?
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