note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
i was so high last night that i actually googled "how to get un high"
if you ask that question again our friendship is over
i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
I fell asleep with all the lights and heat on in the apartment with windows open, Earth Hour is lost on people like me.
Just puked up hair, tacos and vodka. Hello Memorial Day weekend.
He literally said to me "go ahead and answer that text message while I eat you out"... Maybe I AM the relationship type...
We were showing our tits to everyone because it's breast cancer awareness month and we care deeply
I thought we were doing it cause it's Tuesday
That's the point of day drinking, get fucked up by 6pm so you can get stuff done the next day. It's the adult thing to do.
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
Everyone is out there getting real jobs and I just realized I've been "washing" my clothes with fabric softener for two months.
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
I was just drinking but now I'm drinking and chasing with red bull. I call this "getting ready for work"
If you wanna fuck the pudding, fuck the pudding. Just not the chocolate, Im gonna eat that.
WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED. WHO CAME HOME WITH ME. WHAT THE FUCK RESPOND ASAP I AM SO CONFUSED
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