Was going to watch Bolt. Fucked a stranger instead. Details later.
So you didn't like Bolt?
Did you see that girl I got with last night?
Girl? Oh...weird...to be honest Ive always thought you were gay..
Meh. I'll learn enough German to ask her for a handjob, then I'm out
You never cease to amaze me.
I was holding her hair back and when she quit puking she told me she's been saving her scissor virginity for me.
He skyped me to learn how to roll a joint and for us to masturbate together. And you said a long distance relationship wouldn't work.
He tried to make an olympic torch by lighting a corona box on top of a pool cleaner.
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
So it turns out rose was the bear hunting girl. Fuck my life
None of those words made sense together.
I am omw to AA Fellowship by the sea w Jenny and a stripper who just paid for our jetski with 85 $1 bills
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
Okay. But I hope it isn't expensive lingerie. Because I'm ripping it off Hulk Hogan style.
Plus, it's just valuable. Virgin pee is very well-priced.
Some nice lady just gave me a beer out of her purse. I love youth hockey
When was the last time you wore pants?
Time is relative.
And pants are optional.
You should have just fucked me in the bathroom when you had a chance!
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