There's a hand-carved wooden bong in my backpack, and i really wish i could remember last night now.
There's no point in calling it Big Titties Tuesday if girls with big tits don't get anything special
Yeah it'll definitely be worth it. Not having syphilis all the time you know
He's freaking out just because my cat licked his balls while he was fucking me
Well, that now makes it the 4th girlfriend in a row to cheat on me. I don't even care anymore...I'll date a prostitute and not even worry.
No longer is one of my lifelong dreams to ride in a kangaroo pouch. You have eternally ruined that for me. Thank you.
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
You looked at me, said I was a nice guy. Then you drunkenly climbed on top of me and said you liked me and wanted me.
I feel like I owe her child an apology or something after blowing my load on the tattoo she has of her.
You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
i definitely signed you up to receive text message notifications from a jukebox last night. Not even sorry.
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
Because you hugged a homeless guy, and I paid him 5 bucks to give us our giraffe balloon animal back. That's why.
Dude, he turned on “London Bridge” by Fergie and GAVE ME A LAP DANCE.
Randomize
