Why can't we have signs that automatically flash on our foreheads that say not interested when gross ugly guys come around, like those glasses that get dark when the sun comes out?
then i got kicked out of the bar for trying to pay my $30 bar tab in sacajawea dollar coins
he fingered me, smelled his fingers, then asked me what i ate today..
You should probably just propose to him the old fashioned way: sleep with him and get pregnant.
Maybe someone other than the mad hatter should have gone with him to the ER
hungover waitressing a bar association event. im being judged by actual judges.
Wow, nothing is more special than changing the channel and seeing the guy who groped you on Saturday night...
I mean, yeah, she was cheating on me but I've been fucking her brother. My secret relationship trumps her secret relationship.
Fingerblasting some girl on the deck tryna get her to fuck on a lifeboat
Then years and years after that I will send you a picture of my warped vagina from all the kids that I had.
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
I think vodka/water/skittles totally beats your crystal light mimosas
I haven't had sex since the Vanilla Ice concert
Please don't have sex ever again just so you can say that forever.
I legit measured his penis against my chapstick and it was too close to call. So that was my night.
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
Randomize
