She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
i'm not a human right now. not even a dancer.
It felt like his penis had an endoskeleton.
My scrabble letters just formed failure. Thanks God.
today is the best snowday of my entire life. also its no shirt day.
His little brother walked in on us. Six times.
He kept making me pretend I was his personal trainer. When I swallowed his cum he made me pretend I was drinking a protein shake. Thats actually what it tasted like.
Dude. I only took a 20 out the ATM last night. How do I have 83 ones?
You stole from the strippers again. I wish I was ninja like you
How am I supposed to stop smoking pot when girl scout cookies are being sold.
are you putting in a lot of effort today like appearance wise
I am taking my rightful place as emperor of the undead appearance wise
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
You shouldn't play strip poker when you're having a wet fart kind of day.
She rode me like a jockey on that tiny couch. Then we spooned.
No, I'm not a heathen. You two are the heathens, I'm the whore.
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