I woke up this morning and the first thing i saw was the harry potter tattoo on his left butt cheek.
Someone carved 'Hank' in all caps in the snow outside my apartment building so naturally I turned the capital H into a K and added an S to the front.
I think college has really matured you.
I just realized I used lady gaga lyrics in my research paper on marie antoinette
he kept a regular condom in his wallet just so he could comment on how it wouldnt fit before whipping out the magnums. i give him points for the build up
Doing blow at 6am to "wake myself up for clinicals" was a baaaaad idea
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
Just got done fucking the squirter chick. She came when we were in a 69. I now know what it's like to be water boarded.
Its the least I can do really, I mean, I did sleep with her husband...
Last thing I ever expected to say, "Get your finger out of my ear or I will stop sucking your dick."
FINE YOU CAN EAT HOT WINGS WHILE WE HAVE SEX
I smoked then listened to a voicemail from my mom...I ended up yelling at my phone cause she wasn't answering me. Forgot it was a recording.
I like to listen to classical music when I eat taco bell. I think it cancels out the aura of poverty and desperation.
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
Don't care if they even pay me; I lifeguard for the fringe benefits -- free tourist vagina in the Hilton jacuzzi every single night
He kept saying "i'm lost" while he was sitting on his couch...
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