woke up in a shopping cart using a keystone box as a blanket. how was your night?
The size of her vagina has nothing to do with the size of her heart bro
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
I an in a belgian bar and i cant understand shit. Trying to talk to strangers. Getting drunk until we all speak the same language. Brace for updates.
I am way too attached to fictional lesbians.
You were running around yelling "BUKAKE!" and squirting people with a shampoo bottle you found. Total shitshow.
I set up her keyboard so that no matter what she does, it will open up RedTube. Click and command Q all you like, its going to porn. No I play the waiting game
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
Dude. She came to my room in nothing but a trench coat. Took it off and said, "you like" in her Costa Rican accent. God I love college.
I'm more of a "get high and take a bath" kinda guy.
I'm 4,715,723% sure I don't give a fuck.
Me-World Problems: do I have my boyfriend come to my birthday party in drag, or is that too weird for the first time meeting literally any of my friends
So I'm at home coloring while smoking a joint. It can only go down hill from here.
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
So I lost my dignity between the strip club and your penis...
Randomize
