tell ils to like buy her flowers and like a balloon that says, sorry I tried to fuck your sister. I think hallmark makes some of those cards too.
Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
btw, i had a dream i drank 260-proof vodka last night. thank god that doesn't exist in real life.
she has double-d's AND she knows what level Pidgeot evolves. don't tell me she's not a keeper
i took my sailor hat off and used it as a vom bucket
For gods sake, I only took one. With two nyquils. What a happy world its been today. Fulfill your obligations and then its marvelouso.
You kind of have a nervous, desperate thing going on that isn't exactly catnip for bitches
Unfortunately, the Bilbo Baggins adventure side of me that likes to go on adventures appears to be losing to the side of me that likes to smoke weed in the bathtub and watch Workaholics.
I threw up in the darkest corner of the bar last night, then watched 2 girls freak out in disgust after walking through it. I then realised I puked on the dancefloor, took a picture and proceeded to send it to my mom.
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
Kelly and I just had sex, and you didn't call or text to interrupt, are you alive? We are both concerned.
when I was walking home I wad so excited to see a cat on the sidewalk but it was really a traffic cone
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
It was a successful conference for my sales and my sex life. Those are probably related
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