fucking a dude
i mean: fucking a, dude
wow, that comma made all the difference there
you kept eating the heads off the gummy bears and screaming 'euthanized!'
yeah he was eating me out and i didnt know someone made popcorn so I thought the smell was comming from my vagina
wtf
Sorry for punching you in the face last night. I should have known the boxing gloves were a bad idea from the start.
He just asked if I would make his black snake moan. Dating basketball players is not worth the glory
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
Life just isn't the same without him waking me up at 4 in the afternoon with a look of pity on his face...
I am incapable of maintaining a guy's interest in me. It's like erectile dysfunction but with feelings
WHAT IS PROPER BONG ETIQUETTE FOR WHEN YOU'RE ALONE IN YOUR BATHTUB AND CRYING?
he really is such a sweet guy. it’s a shame i have to break his heart.
You know Sunday Funday was a success when 'puke and rally' came at lunchtime on Monday.
Shriek
Yeah,I'm just gonna keep fucking other guys til this idiot figures out he loves me.
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
Randomize
