it was great that she threw up because that made me the only one trying to hook up with her
i'm starting to get really nervous about the relationship i have with my cat
i just funneled a beer through a mask n snorkel.. can you check that off my bucket list..
He is passed out on the kitchen floor. He will fight you if you disturb him. Just a warning.
I concluded last night that you have no tear ducts, heart, or sense of any feeling.
I really need to create fewer "the time I was on drugs" stories for my future memoir, "my first year in San Francisco".
good luck with that
Also. I plan to spend time with you at boomers, high, teaching ourselves how to pee standing up.
Watching the dude who probably knocked me up be all cute with his girlfriend on my couch. I am too nice, and I hate today.
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
And my coffee table looks like something out of Scarface
how come you came home with "Amanda owns this" written on your forhead
"my nose is broken but I'm beer pong champ so it evens out really"
Excuse me while I take my birth control pill for today to prevent getting pregnant from hearing about your sex life
My girlfriend is so strong now. Like on the one hand its kind of hot because she can pin me down during sex, but on the other hand she picked me up and carried me bridal style at the company bbq.
Just checked out of walmart with a 30 pack of Budlight and a wiffle bat. Hello, Monday night.
Randomize