Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
worst night to have a conscience
dont worry, it'll just be a conversation starter like "why did you get that pierced?" or "wow, i got arrested there too"
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
He told me all about his plan for proposing to his girlfriend as pillow talk.
i woke up to the sound of my roommate climbing onto my desk mumbling that she was going to bed
You disinfected one of his friends, buttered the jeans of the other one. And you poured every liquid you could reach on the floor, including cooking oil and green tea. It wasnt a great first impression
Some girl at the bar was showing us her chipped tooth as a pick up line.
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
Luke did at least 8 shots of pure mayonnaise last night. I am not sure if that is better or worse than my 2 cement mixers?
Good news! I don't have Hep C! Better news! I still hate you!
Yeah, you're right, it's a conspiracy against you. This small tight knit group of people who don't like assholes.
It's pizza for people who hate themselves. I rang the place up once i'd finished and told them if i was on death row it would be my last meal because by the time i'd got half way through it I would be begging to die.
But then I ordered two more because it was 2-4-1 and my life is a mess
I believe the question is can one ever have too many vibrators?
No joke. There's a picture of the priest I made out with on my parents' refrigerator.
Randomize
