I'm being pulled over???
For what!?!?!
??? I'm in a cab!!!!!
come outside for a special surprise it involves huge boobs
Eric said he heard us having sex the other night. He said i did a great job.
we should start having sex in the shower. less clean up.
I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
Getting too drunk for the hot dog vendor to serve me is possibly a sign of an alcohol problem. I threw up in the sewer grates next to his stand
yea, their son has been arrested on more than one occassion, their daughter is pregnant and their other daughter graduated but she was adopted, so clearly genes are everything.
Jesus himself couldn't make a better sandwich
Just had ice cream and a blow job come together in one glorious, defining moment.
I always felt my time would come in the form of a tidal wave of whisky
I don't blame you. I made YouTube videos of me singing Rent songs then slept with a married couple. Fucking tequila.
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
I get dinner and bf perks from the one guy. But dick with no commitment from the other. I’m living my best life.
Before making travel and hotel reservations to meet your "affair" for the first time, consult your menstrual calendar! $633 wasted!
Randomize
