If you want her to think you're a true humanitarian, you may want to stop referring to Hands Across America as "the Ghostbusters 2 of fund raisers."
I woke up to him climbing naked through my bedroom window with a bottle of jd in his hand. Of course I had sex with him.
do you think the bartender judged us for asking for shots of well vodka and water chasers?
apparently we spent 30 minutes inside that big Nike store turning all of their Duke gear inside out. for some reason the employees didn't stop us.
Even though we had just had to physically take her off of someones lawn she was peeing on when they came outside, she still insisted on walking unassisted the rest of the way home. It was dignity meets shit show.
I remember because you made a pirate noise when you came.
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
His flight is delayed. Mother Nature is delaying me from sex.
Did we really just set fireworks off in a cemetery? Or was that a dream?
I think so and I think we were sober.
I'm officially no longer allowed to make any of my own decisions regarding alcohol, men, or the combination of both. Thats up to you now. Do me proud.
I am descending into that finals week rage fueled by ramen, mountain dew and bad sex is what's up.
Soooooo I may or may not have accidentally been a catalyst in a destroyed marriage.
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
Does puke ruin car paint? Good thing it's raining.
If I could figure out how to do him with his wranglers on you would never see me again.
Randomize
