Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
Dude, I had to masturbate just to stay warm. Please pay the gas bill?
I showed remarkable dignity in such a compromising situation. Except I came off as sort of a blue ball giver.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
After much deliberatipn and vodka, my favourite phrase of Christmas 2012 is "penis of last resort"
I don't know if I want context or not...
Context involves faux incest and champagne. Id go into detail but im on shot number 5.
We ended up at a lesbian bar and all my co-workers tried to get me laid. This is not how I envisioned coming out.
So he drunk messaged me last night telling me he wants a baby. Think I should call his bluff?
She sleeps with her hand around my balls. First I thought it was just a comfort thing. Now I think it's to make sure I can't slip away in the middle of the night.
My sober self will be embarrassed tomorrow. For now I am laughing my ass off.
If I got paid for every bad decision I've made I would be one rich bitch by now
DO NOT THROW SOUP AT YOUR SCREEN
The day I let him eat me out will be the day that Donald trump is an honest, kind, non-bigoted member of society
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
if they didn't want us to do blow at uni, why would they make textbooks so smooth?
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