someone called me shannon dorrhety annnd it hurt my feelingsd.
Situation: He got it in my eye, how long do I let it sting before should start to worry?
I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.
M WATCHING THE HISTORY CHANNEL AND IT SAID THAT WHEN THE LUST PART OF THE BRAIN IS ACTIVATED THE JUDGEMENT PART IS NOT. THIS EXPLAINS SO MUCH.
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
This is to remind you the pizza is in the dishwasher birthday boy eat it before it goes on
The forest. Magic mushrooms. Wind trees leaves sky. That is alll.
i fell into a bathtub last night and broke the fall with my forehead. my forehead is bruised
I’m almost positive this girl is drinking a mojito in class right now, if so she’s my new hero
are you fucking roseanne barr in there?
WHO GIVES HANDJOBS AT 8 IN THE FUCKING MORNING
i found 4 slices of pizza in my toaster, and a can of unopened soup in my blender.. wtf?
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
I just tried to dye my pubic hair teal for her
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
Randomize
