Hulk Hogan has now convinced 2 women to marry him & I have yet to have a successful or healthy relationship. I am officially depressed.
I'm like a wolly mammoth down there. what do I tell him?
so i had a hang over on saturday and i stayed in the shower for 4 hours, then crawled out, skimpered to my bed, and some kid i didnt know was sleeping in it
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
The movie was so bad she gave me two blowjobs. Two.
He is the Donovan McNabb of stuff up his ass. Tell me that tomorrow. Too high to remember.
We fucked on top of all of our English papers in celebration of the semester ending.
Someone sharpied "COCK HUNGRY" on my butt cheeks last night. When the fuck did I have my ass out?
So, it's been almost 3 months and and I still dont know her last name. That's gotta be a record.
The last thing I remember is him yelling from across the room "WE FINISHED THE HANDLE!"
It was 11pm.
My frontal lobe is being piloted by Jack Daniels right now.
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
Next thing I know her tits are out on my desk. It was straight out of a porno. What was I supposed to do I’m not made of stone
NOT PREGNANT according to the two dollar tree pregnancy tests I took in the tacobell bathroom. Come meet me at tacobell for celebratory soft tacos.
Sooooooooooooo you woke up on a rooftop. Classy
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