so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
I was wasted and lost so I called the cops and asked for directions. It seemed logical at the time
I mean I'm basically single. Or maybe just an asshole. Either way.
... Already stepped in vomit and got a dirty look from a fat in a neck brace
We should reintroduce naked Mondays
I filled this oven with as much Pizza as I could, and I've been eating out of it for three days.
Just ate the last piece. Refilling the oven.
driving home I had the GPS in one hand and puking in the coffee cup
So no more sangria road trips?
im on the hungover til tuesday pabst blue ribbon diet
This doesn't mean I'm going to attempt to find happiness with smooshy dick
I went up by the border of Canada. We took shrooms and went fishing...pretty sure we killed a dragon and ate it for dinner
It's pizza for people who hate themselves. I rang the place up once i'd finished and told them if i was on death row it would be my last meal because by the time i'd got half way through it I would be begging to die.
But then I ordered two more because it was 2-4-1 and my life is a mess
Have you had sex with a man from New Zealand? No? Then your input is invalid.
I fucked his roommate. And that roommate's best friend. And my roommate. And my roommate's old roommate.
i'm bowing down, but slow your roll.
Please come pick up your twin. She's tap dancing in her underwear and that's not how you want yourself represented.
Randomize