I just pynch a tree in the face
I bet they all look and smell like Amy Winehouse
Nope, Im Irish and pissed with some drunk mixed in...therefore punching things is the best solution to every problem.
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
I just egged your windshield and it froze on contact. Have fun with that.
I have two stamps on my hand....ones from the bar and one is from an aquarium...care to explain?
So if I tell her fire is hot and it will burn her... she's probably just going to keep throwing her vagina at it huh?
You are so predictable. I am willing to bet 20$ that instead of going out you are sitting on your couch, stoned, watching Seinfield re-runs and eating cheezits.
1. they're goldfish. 2 fuck you
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
What would you say is a healthy ratio of sex vs. being called a fucking asshole in a relationship?
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
Why is there never any toilet paper at his apartment? What does he wipe his ass with? WHAT DOES HE WIPE IT WITH?!?
Apparently I was directing traffic outside of Keeneland. Apparently I'm not a police officer. Who knew....
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
A total of 3 guys left my apartment this morning. That was my first clue to my black out endeavors last night. Gotta love wine Wednesdays.
Randomize
