I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
he just tried to lick my eyebrow. thats the deal breaker.
so I finished the entire bottle...next thing I know, it's 8 am and I wake up on the fucking beach in the low tide with a family standing about 30 feet from me just staring.
You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes.
It wasn't random sex though, it was almost a relationship, built on lies and sex
1. They have gold fish races every wednesday. 2. They have a redbull vodka slushie. We need to visit this place.
1. My fish will beat your fish. 2. Were getting fucked up
IT'S A HOLY FESTIVAL. A BUDDHIST CELEBRATION OF PENIS.
THIS IS A FLATMATE WARNING! The white powder next to sink is washing powder I spilled and is not meant for human comsumption. I repeat- do not digest, snort or smoke the white powder next to the sink!!!!
Is it weird that i want a guy to ask me to homecoming by spelling it out in meatballs?
THATS VERY WEIRD
If you end up wanting to sit on his face, just make a sound like a dying giraffe and I'll make myself scarce.
I didn't know White Castle was open when your sober.
You have a husband. I have a bag full of electronics. This, is the single life.
So, i might have left my morals back in 2011.
I got subtly pornographic with a lollipop while we were talking and he got flustered and started to blush. If he’s not interested after that I need to turn in my vagina card.
oh man there are to hot chicks wrestling in a pool of maple syrup. ill send you a picture
this is why i will never break up with you
Randomize
