my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
I JUST GOT MY PERIOD AND MY VISA FOR LONDON GOT APPROVED! BEST DAY EVER!
i'm dressed up like the coppertone baby and being hit on a guy in a monk costume. the irony is not lost on me.
Just washed my feet between classes in the bathroom...Four girls totally judged me...
pretty sure if my vagina had a mouth, it would have been smiling afterwards.
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
Yeah we can't find him. He left a note saying he left and isn't that drunk with what appears to be an attempt at the quadratic formula for proof. He also wrote down his number and left his phone by the note
It's so hard to find a shirt to wear out that is easily taken off, cut off my paramedics, but says "I'm a grown, respected woman"
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
We blazed in her bathtub. All 5 of us. Not easy bro
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
Those thigh tattoos deserve the handsomest of grins between them. Dont settle.
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
I'm crying watching Rihanna at the VMAs. Periods are a bitch
Santi's no longer allowed to buy booze in my lane. Last thing I need is a midlife crisis looking at his Id again.
Randomize
