i think i just puked on my phone
we live great lives
oddly enough my penis is pretty tan. the part of my body that gets the least amount of sunlight is tanner than most of the rest of my body.
I think its part of male evolution. Pretty soon they'll have diamonds on them and taste like chocolate.
unrelatedly i think im gonna download boogie nights just to see mark wahlberg's penis
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
You held your own hair and threw up into a red cup...I think they were more amazed than upset.
i like being sick. whatever the doctor gave me is awesone. the walls are waving at me. i never want to get better.
Was that not clear on Friday when I nearly deapthroated two ice cubes?
There is a nerf war going on here. I just cleaned the blood out of the fridge
Yep. It's going to be us, strippers, and drag queens.
A glittery, gay, heavily makeuped, scantily dressed clusterfuck.
I offered to give him "road head" while he played GTA 5. I think he will be more optimistic about date night in the future.
I woke up to pizza pinned to my wall. So that's that.
It's my birthday weekend! I'm getting a Brazilian and he's going to fucking Arkansas. Where the fuck are his priorities?
I look at it as community service. He was going through a rough time and I gave him an ego boost. That's how we're going to remember it. I was doing a good deed lol
Dude, I'm telling you, date younger. He brought pizza, made me squirt twice, and then left to immediately go to brunch with his mom.
Probably not. Getting pulled over and puking my guts out on the side of the road in front of the cop and him making fun of me, was not my finest moment. Plus I lost my debit card.
Randomize
