Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
Sooo, his balls are like... bigger than my head...
on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
i have to get rid of the hedgehog.
Does it come with a cage?
yes. and food and toys.
i'll trade you an 8th for it
deal.
booty call birthday vouchers, best idea ever. it's like giving a present to myself for someone else's birthday.
My therapist thinks I shld paint u something to show u my appreciation 4 ur friendship. 1) she must think I'm rite on the brink of no friends 2) this is real
Dinner at my parents is vodka, lemonade, cheese ad crackers. Why would I leave?
Please tell me I didn't try to make out with a 70 year old Romanian man last night ...
Nobody will take a lit match to your nipple without warning you this time. Pinky swear.
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
I dunno that I'd be trusting enough of junkyard tequila to drink it.
Santa tracker drinking game, you in or what?
I am NOT losing my v-card to a guy who doesn't know my ass from my elbow.
High school drama coach is wasted and wanted me to tell you that I’m good at flip cup and you should be very proud of me
Where the hell are you
I’m making a jello mold of my penis
Will it be as disappointing as your actual penis?
Randomize
