I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
So I just introduced myself to this guy in front of me and now he's saving my pictures on facebook to his phone..
No we didn't have sex. I got my period on his finger.
My drug dealer asked me out. What's the protocal for this?
Either allow it in a formal toast or i will drunkenly tell your in-laws while i'm dancing on their table. either way, the truth is coming out
Dont be alarmed when you find the maintenance guy passed out on your couch. I didn't to explain why I was there so I offered him a drink, I dont know what happened after that.....
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
At some point during thanksgiving the image of me pooping on ur moms chest will come to you. Your welcome!
Fell asleep in the library, woke up because I almost let out a sleep fart. That was close.
Is it unethical to trim my bush hair with the scissors from my office?
Vodka, rum, moonshine, I don't care, just bring like 5gallons.
I love the barter system - he got laid and I got him to bring me some ibuprofen. A win-win really.
THEY'RE TEXTING LIKE MIDDLE AGED SOCCER MOMS WHAT DO I DO
No I didn't say it was safe, I said it was legal. I didn't say anything about it being safe. It's not my fault if you weren't listening properly.
Let the record show that I hate your ass.
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