Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
Psycho is an understatement. U were running around the house screaming IM UNDER THE IMPERIOUS CURSE
I have all these new brothers and sisters I'm just now finding out about
You should have seen her outfit yesterday. It was like pretty woman before Richard Gere gave her money to buy a new outfit.
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
Drunk walkin through police station. America
not much just sitting outside his bathroom door naked eating cheetoes. You?
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
i took four shots of tequila, threw my fist up in the air, then went around the party showing everyone how to do the ninja turtle handshake. that's the last thing I remember
I think I might be harboring a Canadian in my womb.
All I know is that at 4 am I was walking down the street in my bra and his shorts and Im pretty sure I passed my grandma on her morning walk.
My glasses were in the garbage this morning
You know you gave a quality blow job when you have to ice your neck and jaw the next day.
Can't tell if it's the drugs or science magic, but I *THINK* that mouse just turned into a squirrel.
Randomize
