He tried. I said no. He said, "It's ok if I do this?" and proceeded to jerk himself off. Oh, the French.
The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
I just scratched behind my ear and found icing. Fuck you.
Come on. It's already happy hour in Europe...Man up. "I'm at work" and "it's a tuesday" are not valid excuses.
I hope no one at work will be able to read the "who wants body shots" on my chest. I forgot about it.
At some point last night Lemondrops turned into me doing shots of vodka and eating sugar packets at the bar.
If you like her enough, bring her with. If not, eloquently cunt punt that bitch through the field goals of life.
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
I wish a box of wine came w a hose. It'd be so much easier to drink from.
Come over so we can hookup and eat tacos. Those are 2 things you can't possibly turn down.
His IQ level must rival that of a comatosed aardvark.
OMG OMG OMG DID YOU KNOW THERE ARE MINI CHOCOLATE COWBOY HATS THAT MEN CAN BUY FOR THEIR PENISES?
The bros used their bong water as pong water but I walked in mid game and didn't know so they hit our first cup and I chugged it.
drunk me always erases text conversations because she is a woman of mystery and does not like for me to know what's going on in her life
I'm dancing with a sandwich I just made cause I'm so happy how delicious it tastes, that high haha
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