Encyclopedia Brown and the case of the missing condom.
I hope Brown isn't a clue to its whereabouts.
You can't hide fat with big sunglasses.
I cannot remember December 31 for the past 3 years. it might as well not even exist on my calendar anymore
You said that we had to leave the party together and proceeded to repeat the "ducks fly together" speech from The Mighty Ducks word for word. Soon the whole party was quite and started chanting quack..quack...quack..
I mean, keeping the tube socks on AND taking cell phone pictures that he didn't ask for during sex? that's two strikes kiddo.
There needs to be a crayon color for how blue my balls are
It was one of those "wake up holding a random metal flower" kind of nights.
You aren't going to like my movie choice because it's a Disney movie, but I am cordially inviting you to the couch for blowjobs.
No lie. I was hooking up with a former football player at UT and mid-hookup I yelled "I'M FRATERNIZING WITH THE ENEMY"
If you need to be the damsel in drunken distress make sure it's before 3.
Sometimes i like to think we arent living together next year and that im living with models that like to experiment but you ruin that fantasy time and time again
He played with my boobs the whole time we watched Scott Pilgrim and then started invited others to play with them too. It reminded me of how my mom gives out my french fries without asking.
Which sister was it? The one I accidentally hit when my shoe flew off or the one I ate candy off of when we were high?
I was so drunk I got stuck in the middle of a revolving door
I expected my Sunday morning walk of shame dressed as a sexy Dorothy would get some scorn, but nobody seems to even care
That’s because it’s 2020. The slutty costume walk of shame is a refreshing reminder of a time when wearing masks and catching communicable diseases was a right of passage, not everyday for the foreseeable future.
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