Saying she let herself go implies she was actually holding on
I didn't think it was possible for the human body to be physically dependant on weed until I moved in with this kid
I love how kegs are figured into our monthly bills
now I know why they wanted me to come. apparently gay guys are stripper magnets
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
Me and the guy at the liquor store are on a first name basis, college is all about networking.
How can other people our age be acting like adults when I'm still taking my birth control pill with left over gin and tonic from the night before?
you know it was a successful halloween when you wake up and have a firecracker in your tits
Crowning achievement. I bought ranch dressing and emergency contraception.
If there is a heaven, that's what it will be. Bagel Bites and cunnilingus.
I feel sorry for the person who's phone number is 704-1776 cause from now on I'm giving that number to every guy I never wanna talk to again. Happy Independence Day
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
You kept saying, "please sir, can I have some more."
You ever have a fart follow you around?
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