i felt like the dude nobody likes from the mikes hard lemonade commercial
This girl brought half a watermelon to class. I want to be on her level.
on a brighter note, the strip club found my atm card
What would you say if I got first degree burns on my nipples from drinking coffee topless?
im not going to any frat parties next semester. for once i want them to think its actually hard to get in my vagina
Yes, that was ME getting carried out of the club singing 'i believe i can fly'
Do ex girlfriends even count for summer sexcapades. Seems like the damage had already been done
Victory lap
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
Amnesty Wednesday? I'm free to do dirty things to you and you can't laugh or judge?
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
I mean, if there was a version of you with a penis, you'd fuck it...right? Like just outta curiosity at least
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
There is a pool of ranch salad dressing in my purse...I know thats always been something you've wanted to try..so don't even act like you didn't do this.
my night went from a boring school play to hotboxing a car with 3 criminals
i really didnt think i was that drunk last night but the txts from unknwn #s that say i like your lace panties are def telling me otherwise
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