I was at the bar last night dancing, puking in a trash can, and ordering another drink all at the same time. Have I lost my dignity?
haha no as long as you did hook up with anybody after that.
... oops
Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
Proposition. Sex. No words, no talking about it later. I just want you tonight.
she just refered to her hymen as "the mrs"
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
I ended up in a shower with 9 people and a bunch of unopened beer last night. I think I got peed on. Hands were everywhere. We sold the peed on beer to people knocking on the hotel room door.
Wow, now I'm sad I didn't go.
I don't know what I would do if cheese never existed
Someone's stooooned
The taxi driver was going on about how many drunk chicks want to sleep with him when he drives them home. Not sure if he was bragging or hinting
There are people taking shots out of a turtle shell.
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
I said his dick tasted like a Hawaiian Sweet Roll. And then I yelled MAHALO.
Go to a building you've never been before and take a shit. It's marvelous
There are two guys here arguing over Pearl jam and Nirvana. 1991 wants its argument back.
Randomize
