Regardless, you never quit out of your interenet. You left your porn on the living room comp. Then you passed out four feet from the chair with your hand still down your pants. We decided that we should go back to her place instead. Worlds best wingman.
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
What hospital were we in last night? Insurance needs to know
and you think what you did last night was bad? at least you didnt go wake up a sleeping guy for birthday sex.
Apparently it's poor taste to ask for a break up blow job...in McDonald's. Also, that's not the best way to break the news either.
hi sober isdnt real. this is a mass rtoomate taext i thing. bye
AMAZING.
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
Just fat and dog and sweat all over the bed. All night long.
He asked me if I wanted to blow his whistle and proceeded to pull out an actual whistle.
anyone can pick a bar fight and pick up a waitress at a bar, not everyone hangout with two wolves. TWO WOLVES.
We are no longer allowed to make spur of the moment decisions about our love lives
ABSOLUTELY NOT
Yo did you say we are blacking out saturday night and playing dodgeball?
Yeah for relay for life. Its for cancer
we live vicariously through your huge boobs
april was a good month for me, sexually...doubled my number, had a threesome, fucked a girl for the first time and two different boys in one night. there should be a medal
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