Would it be horrible to send my ex's girlfriend an email telling her that I sexed her man up so dirty that he fell asleep inside of me afterwards?
Stop trying to talk to my friends!!
then get some ugly ones...
she came to the game with a camelback filled with booze. except it was only the bag part so she duct taped to her back
the girls im babysitting are trying to see how much jello they can swallow without chewing...their future boyfriends are lucky
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
He's sobering up. It was really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together.
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
Great. Woke up in Ts room wearing one sock, a glove and a beret with a sorrority chick CLEARLY out of my league. Jose Cuervo you ARE a friend of mine.
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
I'm trying to get weird tonight. Like I want to see bitches crawling on all fours drinking milk from bowls and shit by 5 am. You down?
I crawled to the bathroom this morning there were cornpops scattered on the floor? What was I doing last night?
My boyfriend just called me on his poop break from work.... Is that what you meant by moving too fast?
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
Who the hell tries to steal eggnog.
Randomize
