I've decided to bang my pen-pal.
a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
Its like they don't get that I only talk to them before homecoming, thanksgiving, or any other time I go home. I love highschool girls.
The liquor store wont accept checks from us anymore.
nobody understands how my tooth became embedded in the ceiling last night.
and i think wearing the clothes from last night are out of the question...was there mud wrestling there? because i look like a participated..with a cat.
Look, all I can tell ya is I want to drink wine out of a bottle while you eat me. It would be the most fantastic end to finals week. Maybe ever.
Two months ago an unknown man was in my bed and now he is my boyfriend and he has 1.6 million in the bank and he buys me things because I only have $4.35 in my bank account
It could happen to you too!
I should be done at 8 and I've also done a great Job of convincing my self that I should get really drunk tonight
It took years to build this empire of casual fuckings and not carings.
please let it be arousing that I used numbers to figure out how well I'd give you head
you're hired as official boob wrangler
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
Randomize
