If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
i will be the first lesbian to ever fail women's studies.
Only thing I know is apparently I danced with a bouncer and we got a ride back from a valet who was driving one of the cars he was supposed to be parking
At one point you starting double fisting oreos in your mouth confused about how you got out of the car
I say we go and bring jello shots with laxatives. 57% sure one of his toilets is broken
The whole movie was ruined when some chick started laughing with what you could tell was QUITE the mouthful. This of course made the guy laugh harder.
I just really don't even know what I would do with a boyfriend... Like do I just kiss it and then leave it in the corner? Like how often does it eat??
Well I woke up and my arm was bleeding. And my blood is on the wall in the hallway.
Umm
No idea. I blame fireball.
Valid.
The dominatrix coworker is currently listening to pop music that has been translated into an Irish dialect and sung by high school kids. Every day gets weirder here.
Well, I got drunk and told my family about what I expected sexually after a good first date.
He seems like a nice guy. I mean, I know he's married and he's essentially paying me to be his side hoe, but he really seems like a good person.
You told me not to tell you found out you're pregnant..
Umm I might be late. Also I am may or may not have mayonnaise on my ass
He just fucked me into paralysis. can't feel my hands or face.
Randomize
