I made my friend ***** cry when I wouldn't let her call u for an orgy at 3am...I didn't think you'd be to happy being woke up
Also, just saw a homeless man answer a phone call on a blackberry...
if we break up, who will get the dealer?
I'm pretty sure I saw a man standing on a table with no shirt on getting sugar thrown at him while "pour some sugar on me" blaring while the cops were in the house.
i dont even feel safe using a push mower...that hungover
I hid drinks in her bathroom closet.... like a squirrel... a squirrel who knew she was going to get cut off soon
I keep telling girls I work at the carnival and then guessing their weights. I'm pretty sure I'm about to get kicked out.
Is YOLO really just a socially acceptable way to say you enjoy putting things up your nose?
They let me close the tennis center alone. It's a 6-minute drive from 2 of my booty calls. Scratch tennis court bj off the bucket list.
She is screaming bc she thinks you jumped out the window...please show her you just went out for a smoke
Ok more importantly someone in a chicken costume just stepped in front of my car and started breakdancing...
HIV testing and a light brunch. Sounds like a great way to spend Christmas Eve.
Maybe you'll have a Christmas miracle
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
Idk what I'm more afraid of...checking my bank account or my STD results.
Randomize
