2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
imagine a blue Jetta with an ILLINOIS license plate that read JISLORD..... upon pondering it for 10minutes I came to the conclusion that J stood for JESUS and IF the license plate had enough room it would read "Jesus Is Lord"
you decided to have a spaghetti fight but then you got greedy and decided to eat it all.
Besides, I'm not in my 30's. I'm still allowed to drink wine from a bag.
Life lesson learned last night, if you are too drunk to use the atm leave the strip club
Where would I incorporate "your boyfriend fucked the shit out of me last night" before or after Merry Christmas bitch?
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
Well, I made it all the way to the gas station. And from there, I begged a cab driver who was parked outside, to give me a piggy back ride the final 2 blocks to my apartment. I wasn't in the cab. Didn't have to pay. Drunk me is smart, and very lazy.
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
You can't say "my boobs are wonderful" and not expect my drunken subconscious to focus on wanting to see them. Btw-can I see them?
Dude, he wouldn't have sex with me during halftime cause we were rooting for different teams and that would be "bad juju", I had to settle for 69.
I woke up with gum stuck to my nipple piercings this morning.. So there's that.
That said I did get head on the roof of a 15 story building which, regardless of quality, is still cool
We did hand stuff while watching teenage mutant ninja turtles so I guess you could say it's getting serious
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