my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
once he started yelling at me in latin, i wasn't sure what we were fighting about anymore...
please remember that your boobs are bigger than your sisters. when you borrow her shirts they stretch and then shes left flapping in the breeze. dont borrow her clothes anymore. love dad.
Before we started fucking, he laid me on the bed, and asked my what my sleep number was, so that i would be "comfy"
My roommate says its rare that you can be tear gassed before you lose your virginity so i feel accomplished in life
And by sexy pictures I mean pictures of my penis in strange places. I rock out with my cock out.
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
Things you do not want to hear after sex: I almost lost my gum in your pussy. Really dude, don't share that with me!
I could probably be laying here naked and he'd still be more interested in this thunderstorm
Dude. I don't even want cuddles. I just want an acknowledgement that I just had balls in my mouth.
he keeps various drugs in his kitchen cupboard like groceries. that is my new life goal as an adult.
Guy from the bar last night left his number on my waterbill on the counter, at the bottom he put don't forget I can hook you up at Little Caesars I work their part time.
You sure know how to pick em.
Sorry for peeing on your books last night. I wouldn't leave them next to the window anymore.
Don't know where this pizza came from but i got breakfast in bed
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