I feel dirty and I went home alone. Bars should be like airlines and make fat girls pay double for everything.
his status popped up and said 'probably going to jail.' it took everything i had not to press the like button
I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
so apparently i worked out for over an hour last night. drinking is the only way i will ever get anything done
i made potato chips in weed oil. what did you do today?
Mom just Facebook checked into an Applebees at 2am. Caption: ''WITH THE BESTIEZ.''
That's fuckin bs. I had the bouncers beat by 30 yards til that dumbshit on the moped stopped in front of me.
We thought she was passed out on the toilet, but she raised her head to tell me the word I couldn't remember was "empathize." Then she puked blood and passed out.
Anal and Aoki tickets...I'd say I give pretty good Valentines Day gifts.
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
Which outfit says "I'm sorry for your loss but we're still banging later"?
She just started crying. With my dick still inside her. Something about her grandpa.
Speaking of dignity, who all saw me....
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