cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
I miss seeing your mom and dad at church, well mostly just your mom... She used to hug my face into her boobs.
More likely there's a very shell-shocked cat wandering around somewhere, covered in potato peelings
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
Please find an outlet that isn't stripping or getting drunk and arrested
Bc when the owner of your local gay bar and a drag king ask you to take them to a rival gay bar 2hrs away at 4 in the morning YOU GO.
She just passive-aggressively stripped in the kitchen while humming the theme to Doug.
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
I'd love to sympathize with you but I'm drunk in a mansion
You're obviously not trying hard enough. GET LAID. Kittens die for less.
Touche salesman.
Just sharpening my eyeliner with a butterfly knife. You know. Typical weekday morning.
....she made me stop for like 3 minutes so she could talk to her cat....
Then he shook the next streetlight but this one broke and fell over. He told me, "This is the part where we run."
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
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