There's a dildo in the cheerios box here...
i just kept saying he was red & i was blue and we couldnt become purple. I started crying at one point
Remember middle school health class where we used to say that when we lost our vcards we would be on the pill, using a condom, and have had our partners tested first? We were so optimistic.
Note to self: if you decide to go to the gym when you're coming down from your day high to shoot some hoops, do NOT play pickup basketball with the big black dudes who need a sixth
How do you say "thats kinda illegal" in thai?
I told you you to bring something to share....you brought tequila and a condom
Like who turns down taking a nap inside of someone in 2014.
The closest I'll come to committing is leaving sex toys at their house
My mom always wanted to raise a classy lady, it just turned out to not be her daughter.
I'll just bring the big suitcase this trip so I don't have to play wine bottle tetris again.
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
I said I wanted pizza tattoo on my ass and the tattooist asked me what I wanted on it.
He fingerfucked me in the hot tub and then we had sex in the wine cellar. See thats why I like partying with rich people
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
Boredom is so much more tolerable when you're stoned off your ass.
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