I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
Caught my drug dealer jacking off. I think this is a new step in our relationship
Um I just overheard that the new guy spent a month in jail. Obvi another great hire.
He was completely serious when he said my boobs were like "majestic white clouds."
Its great. Every time she starts barking i know ive got approximately 37 seconds to hide my gf in the closet and throw some clothes on
I don't care if we have to swim home from the bar, Im not gonna sit home in the dark and read some fucking book
Well besides you comparing him to your dead cat, I'd say it was fine.
I don't think everyone found it as funny as I did... Nothing says "Party's Over" like the sound of a pump action shotgun.
There is nothing more demoralizing than exchanging 150 dollar Christmas gifts with a girl your not sleeping with
If you make 120 dollars and I walk instd of drive and don't eat or smoke this week we can pay rent
Nope, can't do it. It's a snowball effect. Today, leggings as pants. Tomorrow, female hitler. Natural progression.
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... So sensitive...
I just watched a porn called gay of thrones and I think I've reached a new low in my life
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
Randomize
