Did we have sex last night?
I think that was the general idea until I got you undressed and you puked on me.
just friend requested my arresting officer from last night. too soon??
he sent me a winky sad face. i cannot deal this level of pathetically needy flirtatiousness.
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
There are six slides. In going to pee in five of them. You have to guess which one to go down. Agree?
Agreed.
My dad wants to dress like mitt Romney tomorrow night and tell trick or treaters they owe him candy.
You come home the day the world is supposed to end. Well played Mayans.
You pulled out a fucking recorder and started playing along with all the songs on your playlist and refused to hit the j
I couldn't stop laughing at the fact he was cutting lines with a sears card. What 24 year old has a sears card?
I wish you could see all the crumbs in my bra....it looks like Hansel & Gretel got lost in my cleavage.
Update: his apartment is apparently in the campus Christian community center. The fact that I fucked him on the couch in the lobby is officially my crowning life achievement.
He called my vagina his wife... how is that NOT creepy?!
We walked 3 miles to the strip club. Stopped for roadies, it wasn't that bad.
Getting paid in weed to watch a pregnant adult with cooking skills is the TITS
I pointed at him and said “there goes mr fuckwad”
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