somebody snuck up and got me drunk
the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
I swear that when I have my own bathroom, I'm gonna lock myself in there and masterbate for at least 3 days in sheer appreciation of it.
just as they were cutting his pants off he made em stop & said "everyone knows about shrinkage right".
new years resolution, not be in jail at midnight for 3rd year in a row.
Found our threesome girl. She says I'm pretty. She doesn't know I'm pregnant. Yet. Think we can pull it off?
You don't understand. He was so ginger that he could make red hair a dominant gene. And I refuse to torture my future spawn like that.
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
Is it sad that I have better conversations with his roommate before or after sex than I do with him in general?
Really stoned me is having a very serious, intent conversation with my mom about egg rolls and koolaid flavors.
The only math I use in every day life is figuring out how much I can spend on alcohol and still have money to pay my bills. High school lied to us.
There is no issue with you seeing me...morally or ethically. we'll update your resume anyway. I really need to have sex with you later. Really
I was just drinking but now I'm drinking and chasing with red bull. I call this "getting ready for work"
You know your Halloween costume is slutty when you have to shave your pubes to wear it.
he ended the message XOXO, who the fuck does he think he is GossipGirl.
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