haha i took a picture of myself naked on her camera
She didnt have a camera...
i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
she took her bra off and it was like the puppet strings had been dropped. her tits totally deflated.
I'm alone drinking at the bar and the titanic theme song is on. This won't end well.
Trust me at the end of the night there will be queso smothered places you didn't think it could be smothered
You woke me up at 2 am to tell me I could pee in a golf club if I wanted to.
I yield to the immortal wisdom of one ludacris, who famously wrote, "can't turn a hoe in to a housewife." Indeed, ludacris, indeed.
sooo the guy I beat last night in strip pong is the manager's husband at my new job...
I think John will remember that birthday for a while. I'm still dying at the fact a stripper was hunting me down.
I maxed out my credit card last night on powdered donuts and beef jerky
I'm going to make you a sign to put on your penis to ward others off
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
the guy next to you kind of looks like a penguin. i'm going to fuck him
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
Had a moment of weakness, slept with my ex last night
So that's why our room smells like tequila and shame.
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