____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
its like they have never seen someone walk through campus with a plunger
well i had to explain to their mom why the kids i babysit for won't stop repeating the phrase "nice juicy guido"
yea im pretty sure it has something do with my love of forearms...
Check Facebook. Random dude tagged us in photos from last night dancing at Denny's while eating a sampler platter. 1. How does he have our names, and 2. You said we ate at Tbell.
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
I don't even want to think about the kind of person who would shit in the street before 10pm on a Sunday.
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
hey the jello shots wont freeze
How much Everclear did you put in them?
uhhh all of it
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
They way I see it is I've wasted 7 years of having these glorious tits. I only have about 3 good years left before idk kids or just gravity takes over and they don't look this nice so it's basically open season.
COME TO THE TOP OF THE MOUNTAIN AND I WILL GIVE YOU MY SAGE ADVICE.
I am coming home with the worst sun burn of my life, two unused condoms, and an unworn slutty dress. Worst. Bachelorette. Party. Ever.
Randomize
