so i saw this homeless guy this morning yelling at a pay phone like chewbacca.
That's what you get for being in filth-adelphia.
Yeah I'm pretty sure at one point I was telling her to keep her dick in her pants. She was going to do some serious damage.
so when we got to the frat house he had a travel sized toothpaste and toothbrush for me and gave me a pair of his shorts and a girl's sorority t shirt...something tells me he's done this before
there were no ball for pong so he bought cat toys..... they had bells in them
The cop and I then joined forces to get you up off the sidewalk.
This was just another one of those days you wished you had a penis-size indicator instead of wasting your time isn't it?
My sister was crawling her way home and kept asking us to carry her,then she insisted on grabbing at our ankles til she passed out, how was your night?
Don't smoke out front when you get home there's gasoline involved I'll tell you later
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
This election needs to be over, im tired of girls asking who im going to vote for mid hookup
I just smoked by myself in my childhood bedroom, how happy does it seem I am to be home for Christmas?
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
ARE YOU OKAY?
Physically? Yes. Morally? No.
If I could eat my chicken parm naked, it would be the closest I could ever be to God.
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