So she said grabbing my cock was like holding a giant crayola from pre-school.
that was the beginning of the end.
john hughes is dead. crushing any and all dreams of me ever being in an 80's john hughes film. bummer.
Seriously, it was like sucking my thumb.. and im not even saying that to be spiteful b/c he is a really nice guy.
You remember those guys we called the police on after they stole our keg? Turns out one of them is a student instructor in one of my classes. Figuring out how best to use this information.
just found a piece of pizza in my dresser.....i remember you saying you were going to save one for later so i'm assuming this is your doing
How dare she call you insensitive. Should have told her about the time you let that girl in the wheelchair wearing the sombrero blow you.
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
My internship group is made up of all freshman. Their enthusiasm for education and social interaction sickens me.
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
If you magically turned into a tall white gay guy, ignore this message. If not, then I'm sure someone has your fb password.
George disappeared two hours ago with a stripper named "delicious." Haven't seen him since
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
Afterwards he face timed like four of his friends screaming he banged the hot intern.
Just ate 2 pieces of pizza in the shower.. New low or fuckin brilliant??
I'm currently using a band-aid to cover my bar stamp from last night while I ask my professor for an extension. That's a sign of getting more responsible, right?
Randomize
