I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
gavin joseph was born around 1 oclock 9lbs 12oz... over 21 inches long
Thats what she said
I woke up with ten beers in my bag that hoarded at the party last night. Rally? Its five somewhere.
I woke up at 5 this morning face down on my bed with gummy bears stuffed in my leggings. Yeah.
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
I just wished the taco bell drive thru guy a happy cinco de mayo. Who says arizonians hate mexicans?
Giving me the bigger bowl of ramen isn't considered "romantic"
So I'm seriously debating forwarding these sexts to his horse faced new gf including the ones that say he still loves me... but I still need his check to clear... decisions decisions
You peed in my camelbak and said it was a reverse catheter. Not cool.
I have to talk to myself and be all "you are NOT horny tonight"
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
He walked away from the girl that just blew him to hook up with another girl, and when she got pissed he just turned around and screamed, "SHE IS LIKE 10X HOTTER THAN YOU!" Then she went on an angry dick sucking rampage. There were 4 victims.
I was grinding on him when mosquitoes starting biting us and ruined every damn thing. I just wanted to fuck on a slide under the stars. It's every girls dream.
I answered the booty call in my Trophy Wife cutoff and my ex-boyfriends sweatpants with a bottle of jager.
and how was that received?
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
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