All I have in my fridge is chocolate cake, pizza, spicy mayo sauce, beer, and weed. I love college
I feel like Captain Blackout doesn't do her justice. Brigadier General Blackout is much better.
I did the seizure Bad Romance dance again last night, didn't I?
you were really good actually. your skill is increasing over time
Putting the night light in my bathroom cabinet was the best idea ever. Awesome for puking while light sensitive
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
Shit. I'm suppose to call the bank but I'm too high to talk numbers.
I swear she is the Mary Poppins of drugs
like when you break up with someone your virginity slowly starts to grow back & when it's done it's like ding ding ding you're ready to date again
THIS IS AN AMERICAN HORROR STORY I CAN'T FIND MY VIBRATOR ANYWHERE WHICH MEANS I LOST IT WHEN I MOVED WHICH MEANS MY POOR VIBRATOR IS OUT THERE IN THE WORLD ALL ALONE RIGHT NOW WHAT AM I GOING TO DO
If I could I'd magically teleport drugs and alcohol to you. Like a bad decision fairy.
Basically we had a threesome in one room and a fivesome in the next room. Its what I like to call a win win situation.
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
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