just customized my debit card w a pic of me ralphing over the toilet. figure it'll give the bar keep a good cut off est and for shits n giggles when buying my handles at the liqour store
the owner gave me a free bottle of vodka and a 12pack of red bull if i agreed to leave. my drunken antics are finally paying off.
I really hope that wasn't actually his first time. Because if my first time was anything like that I would NEVER have sex again.
I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
Did a bunch of gravity bongs and am watched hours of Frozen Planet. There is nothing in the world I want more than to hug a polar bear.
I Can't even believe I threw all my pizza rolls at her, I mean not only did i ruin a good meal but now I dont have anymore
You can't spell "party" without "RA."
You know what else you can't spell it without? "Gonna get fired."
Do you remember using the vicegrip to demonstrate how wide your penis is?
I worked all year for this tax return. I deserve to get my nipples pierced.
Did I let your boyfriend smear a banana into my face last night? Because I have pictures that are telling me I did....
It's shark week go big or go home
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
I'm just now realizing I've slept with guys from three different decades over the past year. That's gotta be some sort of record.
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
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